Sunday, 30 August 2009

Wedding night-do hell

I was 'lucky' enough to accompany Mrs Beetwaste to a wedding do last night, a work colleague she knows got married.

Now, anyone who has ever known me well over the last few years knows what I think of weddings. Generally, I've never been to one I enjoyed. In fact, I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. Once, I asked my work to ensure my shift was essential, in order that I didn't have to attend a family event. Truly awful days. I particularly object to spending the day pretending to look like I'm enjoying myself.

A wedding is nothing to do with me, of course. No doubt your wedding was great, if you've had one. But there are various shades of wedding. There's ours, which involved 5 people all day and involved as few traditional elements as possible. There are the ones that try to be a bit different, and good luck to those people. But every now and again, a wedding crops up which is labelled as 'traditional', and believe me, the do I went to last night ticked every box for a traditional wedding.

Bride in flowing white dress - tick.
First dance by bride/groom - tick.
Throwing bouquet - tick.
Small children playing with balloons and falling asleep - tick.
Bored looking old people - tick.
Cackling girls dressed like slappers, dragging bored boyfriends around - tick.
Crap DJ - tick tick tick!

Everything I dislike, wrapped up in shiny paper, tied in a bow and presented with a big fanfare and a giant banner. And as for the DJ. Oh lordy. There are good DJ's. There are bad DJ's. And, there are wedding DJ's. who sandwich "Breathe Slow" by Alesha Dixon between "Warriors' Dance" by the Prodigy and "Human" by the Killers . And if you must have an ultra violet light, don't wear a white shirt because you look a bit silly.

I'm sure the bride had a great day. Flowing dress aside, she was properly the centre of attention, looked fantastic, and the best quote I heard was "Her face hurts because she's not stopped smiling all day". That's how it should be.

But my word, I hated it! I won't be upset if you don't invite me to yours. In fact, make a point of telling me you aren't and I'll like you more for your honesty!

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