Friday, 15 May 2009

Nul points




It's Eurovision again. I love it. It's camper than Butlins, and replacing Wogan with Graham Norton doesn't help matters, but every year I sit down with Mrs. Beetwaste, a fridge full of beer and enough snacks to feed a third-world country, and watch the lot. It's fantastic. No doubt you've noticed it's on. Haven't you?

You should have. The BBC this year has plugged it to death. It's a bit of a new start for it. After the last few years of dross and underachievement, we've pulled out all the stops. Sir Andrew Lloyd-Webber wrote our song. The singer (Jade - that's her at the top with A L-W) seems to have a half-decent pair of lungs on her, and can actually sing. We've been doing the rounds as well, so it would seem; apparently, we've already toured the song around large parts of Europe, so we should be well practised.

We've no chance of victory, though. As much as I hate to say it. I'll be over the moon if we win, but we won't. Partly because the political voting will ensure certain defeat - although the juries are back this year, and the public vote only counts for 50% of each countries mark, which might even things up a bit.

No. We won't win because, although we've made an effort this year, our song ain't the best. The best song is this one. Denmark. It's performed by a bloke who sounds like Ronan Keating. The guy looks a bit like Ronan Keating (Maybe). The song sounds like Ronan wrote it. Ah, well actually, he kind of did. And he did a great job of it. It should win, and that'll make up for the sad and - this year at least - undeserved, exit of Ireland, yet again, at the semi-final stage.

Ah yes, the semi finals. If you didn't see them, well they were a disappointment to say the least. Belarus should have breezed through semi-final one, but alas, white suits and big hair weren't enough for the viewers, who preferred the dirge served up by Bosnia-Herzegovina. And, semi final 2 was truly, truly awful.

...with the notable exception of the Ukrainian entry. Hamster wheels, semi-dressed centurians, and most importantly, a singer who obviously just lost her job at Spearmint Rhino. Denmark should win, but as a seasoned Eurovision viewer I'd put my money on this one. It's got everything a Eurovision song should have, and the Eastern Europeans will love it.

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